In the beginning of the semester, I knew that my communication competency was pretty good just for the simple fact that I could be in any environment and around all different types of people, and feel comfortable as well as communicate very well, no matter what the situation.  I believe that this talent came naturally to me for many reasons, such as being raised in a multicultural community, having self-confidence, and having a true interest, care, and compassion for the people that I encounter on a daily basis.  Even though at the beginning of the semester I considered my communication skills to be good, I have been able to improve, on many aspects, in the way that I communicate with others.

            I believe that an individual’s ability to communicate effectively begins with first being able to understand themselves, as an individual, in order to be able to recognize certain traits or characteristics that have been conditioned within us over time by our interactions, upbringing, and environments.  For a person to be able to realize and admit to areas that they can improve when communicating, they must first take a good long look inside.  Through introspection, and thinking about thinking, they can determine if they are allowing themselves to communicate, respond, and think in biased, overly opinionated, or judgmental ways which, in turn, would affect their ability to communicate with others in a positive, constructive, beneficial, and meaningful way.  By understanding how our self-esteem, self-concept, biological roots and social roots, culture, and gender affect our communication styles and identities, we are able to realize how we grow into our personality types, presenting selves, and different faces.  I feel as though the most effective communicators take the allotted time to truly look inside themselves and are able to bring all of their different identities and masks together, to create ONE true, honest, and natural presenting self that does not change no matter who they are with, in what environment, or what is expected.  I feel as though these communicators are confident, self-aware, honest, trustworthy, and content with their personality.  They are in touch with their self, their thoughts, their perceptions, their actions, and their ethics and morals, which in turn connects them with the world and universe around them.  I believe these individuals are self-actualized, aware, content, and happy which allows them to communicate readily, easily, and openly with all those whom they encounter.

            For an individual to be able to connect, with others, in the same manor that they have connected with themselves, I feel like every part of interpersonal communication education is extremely important.  Not only must they know how all of the different topics of interpersonal communication affect themselves, they must also recognize the fact that every individual is unique; therefore, how they handle, relate, or respond to all the different areas of interpersonal communication could be different from their own.  As a person goes through reflection and introspection on the topic of interpersonal communication, they are able to better understand every individual around them which results in understanding, rather than judging, those whom they encounter and allows them to see the interactions in different perspectives, rather than from a perspective that they are the center of the universe and therefore the most important part of the interaction.

            The areas/topics of interpersonal communication that I feel as though I was able to most benefit from were:  Emotions, feeling, thinking, and communicating (CH 4), Listening: more than meets the ear (CH 7), and Managing interpersonal conflicts (CH 11).  Like I stated above, I believe that chapter 2 (communication and identity: creating and presenting self) was the overall most important chapter because we must truly know ourselves before we can fully understand and identify with the other chapters.

             The chapter on emotions, feeling, thinking, and communicating was very helpful for me because I didn’t realize how these things can affect my abilities to communicate in such a significant way.  Emotions are a natural part of our life and every experience in it; however, rarely did I stop and think how often I was allowing my emotions to affect my interactions with others.  After studying this topic, I have become more aware and connected with my emotions.  Although I still have all the same emotions, I am better able to identify when I am feeling certain emotions, and better able to regulate how I deal with, or react to them.  I am able to focus on the emotion itself, after identifying it; therefore, I can connect them to my thoughts and behaviors which allow me to redirect my thoughts and change my behaviors.  When things are going well, and my emotions are positive, this can affect my communication with others in positive ways so that is not a problem; however, when I am feeling negative emotions, I can either avoid communicating until I have better feelings, or choose to redirect my thoughts so that I am able to experience more positive emotions.

            When it comes to the topic of listening, I feel as though my listening skills have improved dramatically.  Although I have always heard what people were saying to me, I cannot say that I had always practiced mindful listening.  Now I feel as though I give careful thought and attention to what others are saying and give them my utmost respect and concern.  Although I may not always agree with what the person is saying, I am able to realize that it is extremely important to them, and there is an importance to what they are saying.  Every thought, emotion, circumstance, concept, role, face, social role, personality, conditioning, and experience this person has went through throughout their life, has brought some sort of aspect to the message they are trying to communicate.  As you become more aware and understand chapter two (communication and identity), you can respect and understand both the message and the sender of the message more thoroughly; therefore, the communication competency and climate will be on a much greater level of intimacy and quality.  When you combine these two chapters, you realize that their views, thoughts, opinions, emotions, and message are just as important as what you communicate to them; therefore, what they have to say becomes extremely important and you want to truly understand, identify with, and comprehend the message as well as the possible hidden meanings behind it.  As you learn to mindful listen to each speaker or sender of a message, and fully comprehend the message, you will want to give your responses careful and thoughtful attention because you are able to realize how the relationship dynamics could change depending on your response (verbal and nonverbal) and depth, intimacy, and chances for bonding in a relationship could be damaged depending on how you respond to the message.  This shows us that the ability to listen, carefully and attentively, is just as important as how we choose to communicate.  You are able to understand and relate to others needs for expression as you can identify with your own need to communicate, be understood, and be heard, and recognize the fact that every other person has the same needs, and when they communicate it is for a reason that is equally just as important and meaningful to them as our own need for self-expression. 

            The part of my listening skills that I have improved most is my listening responses.  Knowing that prompting, questioning, supporting, analyzing, advising, and judging are important steps in being an effective listener has allowed me to improve my listening ability in a significant way.  At the beginning of class, I considered myself a good listener because I had many of the skills that I believed to make a person a good listener.  I always tried to give people my full attention, made eye contact, and used prompting to keep the conversation going; however, I was missing out on the other wonderful responses that could make my listening skills that much more effective.  I used to believe that giving someone my full attention when they were speaking was all it took to be a good listener.  Now I realize that there is much more to it than that.  I have realized that, as people (myself included), we tend to add our own perceptions, meanings, and value/s to statements that people communicate to us, personalizing them and somewhat making them our own.  Now I pay careful attention to truly understand what someone is saying without giving it my own meaning or filling in the blanks you could say.  Now that I pay attention, and use questioning, paraphrasing, I am better able to comprehend the message; therefore, I am better able to understand the message itself as well as reasoning behind the message because I respond in ways that bring out the senders perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and intentions behind the message.  These aspects are just as important as the message itself, and would not be known to me if I didn’t practice these listening responses and active listening skills.

            The next chapter that I found to be most beneficial was managing interpersonal conflict.  I found this chapter extremely significant for two reasons:  I deal with constant conflict in the work that I do, and I feel as though I have the personality and traits that are found in people who are effective in communicating as well as dealing with conflict, mediating, helping people overcome differences and work together, and I am unbiased.  The fact that I am good at these things and I am nonjudgmental, calm, caring, compassionate, and a positive thinker, I hope to someday use these skills and traits to bring people together, teach them to help one another, inspire them to embrace diversity, and resolve conflict and problems in the world so that we, as fellow humans, can become more accepting so that we can work together to bring about a world that is more unified and based on peace and compromise rather than conflict, aggression, competing, and war.  Now that I know the different conflict styles, it makes it much easier to identify a strategy to overcome these conflicts.  My role at work requires me to help mediate conflict within youth on a daily basis.  Now that I know different approaches to resolving conflict as well as understanding each person on a personal level, I am able to better understand which approaches they are able to understand, relate to, listen and respond to rather than avoid, and can gain something from.  Each of  their personalities, characteristics, thought patterns, how they deal with emotions and conflict, communication styles, how they handle relationship dynamics, self-esteem, listening skills, and prior experiences are all contributing factors in how they handle conflict and communicate.  It is up to me to build positive relationships with each individual youth, through good interpersonal communication skills, so that I know them to the best of my abilities and be able to help them through their problems. 

            It all starts with me.  I must first know and understand myself so that I am able to communicate in the best possible way.  As I build a relationship with each youth, I am able to communicate in ways that will allow me to know and understand them on an individual and unique level.  As I begin to know each youth, on an individual basis, I will feel confident to help them resolve conflict with each other because I can guide them through their conversations and discussions so that they are able to communicate in ways that express what they are feeling or thinking, but also paying careful attention to how they communicate so they do not offend or discourage the others from communicating.  I use statements that will grab their attention but also relate the conflict or experience to situations out in the real world rather than placement.  It is important that these youth realize that there is a reason and method to the madness, that will relate to important relationships in their future so that I can grab their attention and allow them to know that I am teaching these methods to them because it can be applied to real life situations in the outside world, such as arguing with parents or a boyfriend.  When they relate the conflict with their peers in the group, they don’t see as much of a need to establish and mend their relationships, but when you can help them to connect the situation to a prior experience or one they will surely be in during the future, usually they are able to listen more to what I am trying to teach.

            This class has been an incredible journey for me.  To learn the concepts and vocabulary while being able to apply and test them in the work environment has given me soooooooo much faith, inspiration, and hope for the world and our future to come.  To apply the skills, techniques, insights, and methods in my own life and work environment, and watching communication climates change, relationships become better, conflicts become resolved, people express and cope with their emotions in healthy ways, and get people to see and understand different views and perceptions of others has opened up my mind and heart to the benefits and successes that can come from taking this class.  It has had a huge impact on my life, my faith in mankind, and my overall outlook for the future of our generations.  One by one, we can learn and teach others about interpersonal communication and as we do, the world will become a better place, our lives will be enriched, relationships will grow with strength and commitment, family dynamics will become better, people will become more compassionate, empathetic, caring, and kind, our career environment and school environment will become more lively, and our overall social interactions with the people we encounter daily will be better, more meaningful, more significant, and more understood.

            In the beginning of the semester, you had asked me if I considered myself self-actualized.  I had read the definitions, did my research, and knew the meaning, and as much as I knew I had grown, I could not say for definite that “yes, I am self-actualized.”  I had a spiritual awakening this last weekend, and it is one that is hard to describe, yet I will try with the best of my abilities.  I will start by saying that with each paper I write for any of my classes, I have the opportunity to self-reflect, and although they are frustrating to write, they are truly original and I give them a tremendous amount of thought, effort, and time to create.  As I complete each paper, I am engulfed by brief periods of enthusiasm, enlightment, and extreme bouts of joy as I seem closer and closer to finding me.  All my life I have taken time to know and understand others, but I had never truly taken the time to know and understand myself.  This past weekend, while writing my philosophy paper, it was like everything came together and I was completely connected with myself.  I have never felt better in my life, suddenly I felt more awake than I have ever felt.  It was as if every part of me: my thoughts, opinions, feelings, emotions, moral and ethical views, past & future, body, mind, spirit, and soul became one.  Suddenly nothing in my life that I have ever stressed or cared about before really mattered.  My friends, my family, my career, school, future, material objects, or anything else in my life had as much significance.  They seemed like nothing compared to what I had gone through.  It didn’t cost money, it didn’t give me anything physical that I could touch, and it didn’t change anything in my life or the universe, but it changed me.  I found me, the real me, the true me, all my masks and faces I realize are one.  I am connected, in ways that cannot be described, to who I am.  My morals, values, opinions, thoughts, love, energy, knowledge, wisdom, experiences, hopes, and dreams were now one.  It was like I was centered and placed in the deep soul of my body and I understood, believe in, appreciate, love, care for, respect, and know all that is me.  No longer was I living for the future, or the past…suddenly I was so alive, so in the moment, so centered, so connected, and so proud of who I am.  I recognize my strengths, obstacles I have overcame, intelligence level, beauty, kindness, sincerity, honesty, and realized that I am exactly who I could wish or want for myself.  I also realize my weaknesses, my misfortunes, my mistakes, my imperfections, and my room for growth, but suddenly I was more content than I have ever been in my life.  I am proud to be, act, and think in the ways that I do, as well as stand by my beliefs, values, morals, and dreams.  I do not need any person to place rules, goals, or expectations in front of me because I have the confidence and self-assurance that I can stand by my actions and play by my own rules while knowing that I will not harm myself or others.  Suddenly I am free, no one guides my life.  Not the police, not the courts, not the president, not my parents, not my friends, not my boss, not my teachers, not god because I know that I have a better compass and internal guidance system with far greater expectations and hopes than any one of those people could ever place upon me.  Although I will continue to grow and recognize the need for growth within every aspect of my life, I have experienced a growth and gift within myself that no other accomplishment could ever achieve.  So, Ms. Clifford, if you were to ask me today if I considered myself self-actualized…I would have to respond to that answer with a definite yes!  It is by far, the accomplishment I am most proud of, especially when I spent so much time searching for the meaning of self-actualization, and trying to figure out how to self-actualize when the whole time it was right there, inside of me, screaming to get out.  I have talked about this with a few of my coworkers, and tried to explain it to them.  They reply “yes, I think it’s just getting older, or yes, I’ve found myself.”  When they reply in this way, I smile because I immediately know that they have not become self-actualized because if they did, I don’t think it is something that you can reply with a “sure, I’ve went through that” and be able to explain it in such few words, in a monotone voice because when it happened to me, I felt like running to the top of the mountain and screaming it in the loudest voice that I could find to let the world know J

CLASS EVALUATION

1.       The most important part of the class for me personally was the textbook and applying what I had learned to real life.  The papers that we had to write (essays) were the most meaningful because not only were we applying ourselves to what we were learning, we were also evaluating ourselves and somewhat grading ourselves in a way which allowed me the opportunity to realize and reflect on what I could improve, what I did well, and how my life, communication skills, and relationships were improving because of what I was learning.  By reading the book, discussing the chapters in class, the creative ideas you brought to the table to make it interesting, and writing the reflection papers, I was able to fully understand the content that we were learning because you took many different approaches to the topic and utilized many different learning and teaching styles which allowed those of us with different personality types to be able to comprehend the information.  It was very thorough, and even sometimes, it was like you were teaching us, but we were also teaching ourselves.

2.       The most important part of the class for me personally was the vocabulary and different styles to communication because I deal with so many diverse personality types, that it is extremely important that I have many different approaches.

3.      The assignment that was most meaningful to me personally was

a.       This paper, because I hadn’t realized how much I have grown, how much I have learned, and how much I have applied what I have learned to real life until this moment.

b.       The Jung personality assessment because it got me interested in truly knowing who I am, why I am who I am, and what styles and traits I utilize most.  It gave me a wonderful starting point for the rest of the class to go by.

c.       The David Foster Wallace speech paper because it was thought provoking and a challenge.  I very much enjoyed thinking about thinking, and I think that more individuals would benefit if they thought more about thinking, allowed themselves to dig deep into their own minds, and could possibly begin the journey to self-actualization if they committed to taking that paper to the extra mile instead of considering it an assignment that needed to be completed and did the bare minimum.

4.       I really liked the whole class but if I had to pick the least significant part of the class, then I would have to say the music list on emotions, or discussion on ways to dump or be dumped because, for me, there was so much great information in this class that we could have gone deeper and more detailed with, and I felt this took time away from things I would have rather discussed in further detail.

5.      Really Ms. Clifford, I feel like you did a great job when designing this class.  It was thought provoking, fun, exciting, you were able to grab my attention and keep it, extremely interesting, you mixed things up, we were allowed class discussion and engagement, you were thorough in answering questions and exploring topics that we were interested, you were open to suggestions, and you used many different styles of teaching.

For the first time ever, I did not miss a day of class.  Usually I at least miss one class in a semester, but no matter what, I knew that I wanted/needed to come to your class, and each time, even when feeling ill, I made it and was glad I did.  I hated that the class was only 1hr and a half because it seemed like the class was over just as quick as it began, and I could sit in your classes all day long!  I think you are a WONDERFUL, CARING, FUN, AND ENTHUSIASTIC teacher, and I couldn’t imagine you doing anything else.  In fact, even though I was interested in the subject, I don’t think I would have appreciated the class as much had it been taught by someone else.  You went the extra mile, always, and if you knew of a way to help me (even if it had nothing to do with the class but rather something I was interested in), I would get home and there would be all this great info and links in my email based on the topic we discussed.  You can tell that you love, and truly care for what you do…it shows, and to have a teacher who is willing to go far and beyond what is expected of them is a rare commodity.  So I must give a big fat

Thanks!  You are very much appreciated J

I hope that you will allow me to keep in contact with you, as I consider you a mentor and all around great person, and I hope to keep connected. 

my views on philosophy

Philosophy is not a practical subject for a person to study.  In philosophy, there are no facts, no claims, and no final truths that come from the subject.  Philosophy is an endless process of creative thinking, evaluating, and questioning that is unique to each person who practices it.  As philosophers attempt to find the meaning to life and human existence, rather than accepting what others may consider as the truth, they seek to find answers as to why people consider it to be “the truth.”  They dissect information, breaking it down into tiny bits and pieces that can be further questioned, to the point that they are able to prove that “the truth,” may in actuality, not be concrete facts or reality.

            For a philosopher, there is never a simple answer to a question, and they question the motives that could have led a person to believe that something is true.  Philosophers are able to understand that everything in the universe can and does affect every piece of matter, thought, experience, physical makeup, chemistry, reasoning, belief, and action, and seek to find answers as to how each of these aspects can affect the other.  They never accept things as “they are,” but rather attempt to find answers as to “why it is the way it is.”  As the philosopher thinks carefully, critically and precisely about issues within our world, they are able to delve into the depths of insight that will allow them to understand the issue on a grander scale as they seek the meaning of truth.  The average man will accept others views, perceptions, standards, and facts as being rational; therefore, believing it to be true, but they are placing barriers within their mind that keeps them from experiencing life and all of its natural wonders on their own terms. 

            On the contrary, philosophers never accept what is to be considered rational, and allow their mind to wander into unchartered territory, while seeking knowledge, understanding, new concepts, and reasoning.   As they break down each issue, while seeking the meaning, they are able to have a much clearer and wider implication of how all the pieces fit together in the whole.  As they take apart and attempt to understand each individual piece of the puzzle, they are able to draw out their own conclusions and philosophical theories which brings them to the point of self-actualization, as they know that they have answered, in their own unique way, what the meaning of life is, rather than accepting and succumbing to what others believe to be true.  “A sense of wonder started men philosophizing, in ancient times as well as today.  Their wondering is aroused, first, by trivial matters, but they continue on from there to wonder about less mundane matters such as the changes of the moon, sun, and stars, and the beginnings of the universe.  What is the result of this puzzlement?  An awesome feeling of ignorance.  Men began to philosophize, therefore, to escape ignorance.” (Aristotle).

            “I have one longing only: to grasp what is hidden behind appearances, to ferret out that mystery which brings me to birth and then kills me, to discover if behind the visible and unceasing stream of the world an invisible and immutable presence is hiding.”  (Nikos Kazantzakis).  So my question is:  “Can we ever really know anything?”  This is a philosophical question that could have many answers, perceptions, views, and theories.  Depending on the angle in which you view this question, or the way in which it is presented, could affect the question itself or the process in which a philosopher takes in order to seek the answer to the question. 

            First of all, what does the person mean by the word “know?”  The word “know,” is a symbol in which we attach meaning.  When a person encounters the word “know,” the average person will attach a meaning that has been conditioned in their mind throughout time.  The average person will probably connect the word “know” with an experience such as when a person has asked them if they know something which they interpret as being able to recall a piece of information within their minds.  For a philosopher, they are able to realize that the word “know” is a symbol in which people interpret and attach their own meaning; therefore, they seek ways in which the word “know” has applied to different issues throughout time, and are able to break down the word into subcategories of definitions or interpretations.  At this point, the philosopher will define and present each separate category as an issue within itself, and seek to ask questions and find answers and meaning in each subcategory which will allow them to discuss the answer to the question on a more elaborate and widespread scale.  By breaking down the question itself, and asking themselves as many questions as possible, they are covering as many bases as they can so that they can understand how the question itself affects and fits into the grander scheme of things.  Once a philosopher has done this, and feels as though he has looked at the question from every possible angle, satisfied every need they may have had for answers, and drawn out his/her own conclusions on the issue, have they reached their higher selves. 

            At this point, the philosopher should feel complete contentment and fulfillment that they have satisfied their need for answers, but even at this point, a philosopher’s work is not done.  Just as the question itself was broken down into bits and pieces which are part of the whole grand scheme of things, the philosopher will realize that their conclusions on the matter are, too, just one part of the puzzle to the whole.  Other philosophers, themselves, have reached their own contentment on the same issues, and in order to see the whole to the question, they must collaborate with other philosophers on the issue to see and understand an even greater whole. 

            As you can probably see, there will never be a complete truth as the puzzle gets bigger and broader with every step that is taken, and as every part of the puzzle is put together, things become clearer until you realize that it is only part of the whole.  As the “whole” grows, so does the bits and pieces that can be broken down.  With each piece that is broken down, there becomes insight that there are other pieces that can be further broken down.  One must realize that there is a universe out there that goes on for infinity, and accept the fact that we will never truly see and understand the complete whole of “what is,” but as a philosopher, we also realize that there is much territory and uncharted land out there for us to explore, and we are content and enlightened in the thought of doing so.  As Harold Levitt would say, “When you know you have all the answers, you haven’t asked all the questions.”

            When the topic of ethics arises in a philosophical discussion, I would conclude that there is an objectivity or goal/aim that is intended for the subject of ethics.  I believe that the idea of ethics was intended to encourage people to work together, achieve unity and peace, and be somewhat of a moral compass that will lead an individual to a state of  “higher being,” or “spiritual being.”  This will allow a person to live a life free of guilt, and with a clear conscious that their decisions were never made with the intent to do or create physical, psychological, spiritual, or emotional harm in another person’s life.  “Each individual is their own center, and the world centers him.”(Soren Kierkegaard).  I believe that as a person becomes self-actualized and reaches their “higher-being,” they are able to realize that each person has their own morals, standards, and values and is able to accept and appreciate each person’s uniqueness in these matters, but also does not feel the need to confirm to the beliefs of others.  The “higher-being” is confident in their choices, the way they choose to live life, and lives the life that they so choose but also takes into account how their actions affect the world as a whole.  When they can truly say that they think, believe, and act in ways that that allow them keep a conscious free of guilt, shame, or greed, then they can say that they have achieved the true objectivity to ethics.  The only true ethical obligation/principal that a person should have to live by is the golden rule, “do unto others, as you wish to have done upon you.” 

            People who truly seek to understand others, rather than judge, will look into the subject of ethics even further and be able to realize that there are reasons for people having different moral and ethical standards.  For there to be a world of peace, people will have to adhere to the “universal law,” also known as “the golden rule.”  Apparently this is easier said than done considering we still have wars, hate, greed, and poverty within our world, which, I believe, is partly due to the fact that people have not taken the allotted time to educate themselves on the reasoning as to why these things are happening.  They are quick to judge, dismiss, or discredit others values, customs, cultures, and ways of doing things; rather than taking the time to understand why they are different than us or accepting the fact that we are each unique individuals.  I believe that people waste too much time focusing on what people do wrong or differently, rather than what people do that is right.  When we criticize or judge a person’s opinions, views, actions, or behaviors we are placing imaginary walls that are used as barriers and obstacles that refrain us from the opportunity to truly understand why the person is the way that they are.  In order to break down those walls, or to keep from placing barriers in our way, we must learn to speak the language of love, caring, and compassion, which will allow us to build an open, honest, and trusting relationships with these individuals so that we can trust that they will be their true and authentic self and help us to gain further knowledge into their lives.  Only then will a philosopher be able to ask the true questions, and find the true reasons as to why.

            The second and most important reason that people are not able to apply and follow the “golden rule” in ethics is because they have not taken the time to ask themselves “Who am I?”  The art of knowing begins with a good healthy doubt so why not apply this to your thoughts about yourself?  If a person will take time to self-reflect, and doubt their beliefs, judgments, values, morals, and character just for the sake of becoming self-aware, they may find that some of their characteristics or personality traits are due to conditioning, demands and pressure from society, experiences, environments, and/or ego rather than because it is truly who they are or who they wish to become.  If they were to take the time to become self-aware, they may discover a life with purpose and a true calling that will lead them on a path to personal fulfillment and a life that they are able to construct, control, and lead without the external factors or influences from society or outside variables.

            “The accurate, realistic assessment of self resulting from acceptance makes possible the use of self as a dependable, trustworthy instrument for achieving one’s purpose.”(Arthur W. Combs).  Many people will ask themselves the question:  “Who am I?”  There are two fundamental conditions that contribute to what a person can become in their lifetime which are:  the degree to which we experience a more or less consistent sense of self or identity, and whether the feelings we have developed about that self are predominantly good.  Since a person’s body and psyche are constantly changing throughout our stages in life, it is important that a person ask themselves “who am I” on a regular basis, especially in their separation years.

            As an individual becomes aware that they are acting and thinking based on their own internal guidance system, they begin to feel a sense of identity.  As an individual goes through growth stages in life, they should start to identify patterns in which they behave, think, and feel.  If an individual asks themselves “who am I” on a regular basis, they should be able to connect the consistent patterns which will give them a sense of who they actually are as a person.  An individual must be honest with themselves, and be able to view their experiences and actions from an outsider’s perspective in order to truly find and understand themselves.  Many individuals see themselves as the “center of the universe,” therefore; they may feel as though any negative thoughts or actions are justified, which will not allow themselves to view themselves in their true light.  “In collective actions, the ego is capable of descending to depths to which it does ot fall when it is acting on its individual responsibility.”  (Arnold Toynbee).

            Another important aspect for a person being able to fully connect and explore who they are as a person is a sense of self-worth.  Most individuals tend to place value on themselves depending on how others treat them.  When a person is treated with respect, kindness, and love, they will tend to see themselves as loveable, kind, and one worthy of respect, especially in the earlier stages of development.  These individuals are allowing their conditioning, experiences, and others create their sense of self-worth and identity.  For the individuals who have been treated unfairly or unkindly, this can create a great dilemma in their lives because they are allowing others to instill upon them the feeling that they are not worthy of love, kindness, and respect; therefore, their actions towards others will heed the same results.  “I think, therefore I exist.”  (Descartes).      

            Without self-reflection, and self-affirmation, we are allowing other’s to determine our fates.  We are allowing our past experiences and conditioning condemn us to a future that has already been determined by others.  Whether a person has been raised in a loving environment or an environment filled with negative influences, it is extremely important and beneficial for every individual to become self-aware and grow into their autonomous selves.  Through therapy, spirituality, reflection, and getting to truly know and understand ourselves, our actions, our thought, our beliefs, and the reasoning behind all of these attributes, we can connect with ourselves in remarkable ways.  As this happens, a person will feel an increased sense of self-worth and self-love that will allow them to control their destiny and future with the confidence in knowing that they are the ones who are responsible for all that they do.  When they are able to connect with their autonomous selves, they will commit themselves to the fact that it is only they who can place judgment upon themselves and their actions, and they will hold this fact to the highest regard.  They will no longer feel the need to impress others or conform to others ways of doing things, beliefs, or values because they have connected with the core of who they are, who they wish to become, and fully aware of how their actions will affect their future as well as the future of mankind.  They will feel a sense of loyalty to their higher selves, and with this connection comes the purpose to create a brighter future not only for themselves, but also for those whom they encounter. 

            When it comes to the quality of life, there have been many questions as to what is more significant, living and thinking rationally or living and thinking irrationally.  I believe that if a person lives life on rational terms, they merely exist.  If a person lives life on irrational terms, not only do they thrive, but they are living a life of purpose, exploration, growth, and a life that is original, unique, and meant especially for themselves.  These are the individuals are not afraid of the unknown, they question the norms, they live life on their terms, they test limits and surpass goals and expectations that others would set for them, and their quest for exploration never ends because they are seduced by the thought provoking question as to “why?”  They allow their minds to wander into unchartered territory and break barriers in which others accept as being “true.”  New and original ways of thinking and doing things are explored because they do not adhere to the norms, standards, thoughts, or theories of others but rather seek to understand through thought provoking questions, as to why others accept these things as being “truthful.”  In a sense, they are the architects of their futures, allowing themselves to create paths to discovery where no other individuals have ever thought to travel.  “But to live an entire life without understanding how we think, why we feel the way we feel, what directs our actions is to miss what is most important in life, which is the quality of experience itself.” (Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi).  This philosophical insight was best stated by James L. Christian, the author of Philosophy the fine art of wondering:  “The fact that philosophy must be as diligently studied as any other subject, not to remember data, but to set the mind in motion toward developing larger concepts, connecting ideas, and seeing through and beyond mere words and facts.  In a sense, intellectual growth happens to us; it is not really something that we do, but it happens to us only when our minds are given a chance to operate on their own conscious, of course, but when our minds are given a chance to operate on their own terms.  They take their own time to process information.  This undertaking is partly conscious, of course, but largely it is an unconscious process.  This is why much philosophic insight just happens, as though the light moves from the depths upward and not from the rational conscious downward.”   For us to truly understand what we believe to be reality, we must first break down that reality and view it from a perspective of irrationality.  Even then, what we conclude to be rational or reality may only be the truth for us, and not the truth of what is and what exists.  “The deeper science probes toward reality, the more clearly it appears that the universe is not like a machine at all.” (Lincoln Barnett).

            Is it possible for a person to live a happy life and truly consider it a good life?  I believe the answer to that question would depend on each person as an individual.  Each one of us has unique hopes, dreams, and expectations for our futures but I believe that for an individual to truly be happy, they do not seek an outcome or live their lives looking towards the future.  For a person to be truly happy, they live their life “in the moment,” and always find positive aspects to the moment they are in.  They may find happiness in the form of positive emotions, answers to their questions, gaining knowledge, a physical form of beauty, a spiritual connection, a lesson learned, or experiencing insight; either way, they can view every moment of every experience as the opportunity to grow, both emotionally and intellectually.  “As soon as a man does not take his existence for granted, but beholds it as something unfathomably mysterious, thought begins.” (Albert Schweitzer).

            I believe that the purest form of happiness comes when a person is self-actualized and living a life of purpose.  As a person becomes self-actualized, they become whole.  They feel connected with what is inside of them, their exterior, as well as the universe and their surroundings.  With this comes a feeling of authenticity, with confidence in themselves, their future, their dreams, their beliefs, and their values.  Social standards and other people’s opinions do not matter because it is him/her self that holds themselves to highest standard.  There is no reason to wear certain masks, or attempt to be something they are not because they have accepted themselves for who they are, and are not afraid to allow others to view them in the same light. 

            These individuals have taken the time needed to get to know themselves, inside and out, on such a deep level that they are aware of their potentials, their restrictions, their advantages, their disadvantages, their good and bad qualities, and their own chosen moral guidelines.  They do not feel the need to evaluate their thoughts, actions, and feelings because they are content that what they see, choose, or act is part of the whole of who they are and the sense of belonging to oneself is apparent.  They no longer seek to find answers about themselves, why they act, think, or feel in the ways that they do because they have already delved deep into their souls to understand themselves, to be sure they are not acting in ways that have been conditioned or expected, but rather they are doing so because it is the path that is right for them. It is the ultimate feeling of freedom, to just live, without outside variables, experiences, people, or a situation determining what comes from within.  There is no longer control of any sort; there is just life, to live, to be explored, and to further understand. 

            Self-actualization should be the ultimate goal of all people in order to live a life full of promise, purpose, and extreme quality.  To be connected to oneself, mind, body, and heart but also in relation to the universe itself.  With this, comes the feeling of contentment and peace, but also the desire to explore and understand the unknown.  There is no fear, as they can go into uncertainty with the confidence that their experience will allow them intellectual growth, opportunity to gain knowledge, and the opportunity to understand the world and the people in it on a greater level.  Fear is replaced by enthusiasm in knowing that they are about to experience things that up until this point, have been unknown to them.  They are filled with a sense of purpose, in the most general term, because they do not judge or condemn but rather seek to understand all that is, all that was, and all that will be!

            “Why are Americans so hungry for the approval of others?  The adjusted American lacks self-approval; that is to say, he has not developed a self-image that he can believe is both accurate and acceptable.  To do so he would require successful techniques for creating an accurate and acceptable self-image through honest introspection, candid association, and meaningful activity.  The patterns to which he has adjusted do not include such techniques.  Instead, the culture abounds with misdirections, which the adjusted American acquires..Perhaps above all he learns to seek self-acceptance indirectly, by seeking to substitute the good opinions of others for self-approval.  It is this that he becomes “other-directed.”  (Gail and Snell Putney). 

Plan to CONQUER BULLYING! (not detention, suspension, or harsh realities...lets make them think, reflect, and understand!)

I would like to first start by thanking you for the opportunity to be involved in the discussion about youth violence the other evening. This was a topic that i am greatly interested in, and I would love to see today’s youth grow into mature, caring, and responsible adults. I truly believe in the work that you do, and want to thank you for bringing these issues into the spotlight. I believe these, along with many more issues, need more recognition in order for us to grow into a positive, and successful nation.

I received the questionnaire that you had sent me, and i feel that you framed these concerns appropriatly. There was just one concern that i feel we may have passed by, and that was making things right with the victims of violence and bullying. If the perpetrators were more aware of the feelings/thoughts of the victims, maybe it would make them think twice before choosing to hurt these individuals. I understand that a lot of victims (at school age) do not feel secure in expressing their thoughts/opinions, I’m sure that older victims would be willing to talk/give speeches to students on how bullying affected their lives.

I believe that the approaches were clearly articulated, except for accountability, and rehabilitation seem to go hand in hand. There is a lot of overlapping there, as i feel that accountability would not do a violent youth much good, unless it was followed up by rehabilitation/treatment. Other than these few minor issues, I feel that your discussion was carried out very thoroughly, clearly, and was easy to understand.

I had a few ideas that I did not get the chance to discuss with you the other evening. Most of these ideas are more for prevention, but I believe that they could help with keeping youth out of trouble, and encourage them to be productive, respectful, and successful individuals.

Here are a few of my ideas:

* Sporting equipment donations: so that youth who cannot afford equipment will be encouraged to play. Also dues paid for them to join a sporting league/team, if they make the honor roll all year long. This will encourage them to do well in school, and also help them with social and teamwork skills. (Many children want to play sports but cannot afford to).

* Affordable summer camp programs. (As we know, during the summer parents are working and youth are left home for long periods of time each day without positive reinforcement).

* More field trips in, and out of school. (This will keep their imaginations growing, inspire them, and show them what the world has to offer, such as museums, science centers, zoos, etc).

* Encourage mentoring. (Many youth lack a positive role model in their lives, or have parents that are too busy so they lack one on one attention, or don’t feel comfortable talking with their parents about certain subjects due to fear of how they will react).

* Adopt a grandparent programs. (This would be great for the adult and the youth. Hopefully through conversing, the adults could pass on and encourage some of the old fashioned values that today’s youth seem to lack).

* Internships for high school students. (Whether paid, or unpaid, the youth will gain insight to certain career aspects, along with obtaining valuable job skills).

* More school speakers. (Motivational, educational, public figures, victims, and offenders. I think that youth appreciate the “realness” of a person who is/has been there, and will appreciate hearing these things strait from the source).

* Social skills should be monitored, recorded, and reviewed during the youth’s high school years. When a youth applies for a job, or college, administrators can write a recommendation letter. (This will encourage youth that their actions could affect their future).

* School newspapers should publish a category monthly about bullying/violence in the school newspaper. Victims could have their say, and those who wish to apologize would be able to. (This should only be done anonymously, and reviewed carefully by the editor so that not to disclose anyone (victim or perpetrators) identity, and not give out any clues to the exact encounter. This could help others understand how words can hurt, and hopefully encourage positive youth to take others under their wing while looking past their differences).

* When youth get into trouble with the school or courts, they should be required to write a lengthy report with the following information: Prior circumstances, thoughts in their head before the event, the event itself, how it made them feel, how they imagine it made the victim feel, how it may affect the victims future, affects on both families, possible consequences, what they think thier consequences should be, regrets, and how they could have better handled themselves. (I think that too many youth display negative behaviors, without giving it much thought. This would force them to recount the events, think a little deeper, and also give us an idea of the type of person/treatment they may need).

* We need to do something about the “labeling” phenomenon. I think that too many youth get into a rut, and believe they are too deep to get out, so they continue on their destructive paths. We need to show them that it doesn’t have to be permanent. We need to give them examples of people who turned their lives around, and maybe a chance to speak with them. Give them hope, and show them that with persistence, and determination, they can turn their lives around.

WE DESPARATELY NEED A COMMUNITY CENTER IN PARKERSBURG!

I know that we have the YMCA, but as you hear the other night, we need extracurricular activities that do not revolve around sports. I would love to be of any kind of assistance that I could in making this happen. I will DO EVERYTHING that I can to find volunteers for any and all types of activities, coming up with rules and guidelines, and recruiting anyone who could be of assistance in a program like this. The hardest part would be finding a location, so if you have any ideas where I can start, I would greatly appreciate it!

I want to be a part of anything that could bring our communities & resources together to help establish a community (then nation) of understanding, respect, encouragement, hope, and love. Mrs. Ambrose, I ask of you, if you know of any workshops, seminars, meetings, or any other way that I could become actively involved please let me know. I would be willing to travel at my own expense, and also volunteer any work or service hours. I thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you have any questions, feel free to call. Hope to hear from you soon, and it was a pleasure to be able to discuss these issues with you. Thanks, and God bless!

Psychological Hardiness, YEAH BABY!

Psychological Hardiness

GROWTH = CHALLENGE + SUPPORT

            I am a firm believer that a person cannot succeed, or obtain their goals in life, without also accepting failure in their lives.  I frequently remind the youth that I work with that I would not have the knowledge or understanding that I have today had I not failed so many times at the many games in life.  When I think back on the negative choices I have make in the past, I am always able to come up with at least one positive aspect that came with each negative experience.  I do not dwell on those “not so good” decisions, but I do let myself be reminded of them, as to not make the same mistakes over  again.  I also remind myself, frequently, that I am not able to change the past, so that I am able to look towards the future with certainty, never allowing what I am not able to change effect the goals that I wish to accomplish.  My mother always said, “Kelli, you can do anything you want.  Reach for the stars!” so that is what I will do. 

            Positive psychology is a topic that has passionately caught my attention.  I think that for a person to grow, they must give way to the “tried and true” and make room for “the new” and “change.”  Without this characteristic, we would not have all the new inventions, creations, philosophies, and methods of doing things that continuously expand in our lives today.  Dr. Martin Seligman, founder of Positive Psychology, found that people having buffers against extreme stress more readily overcame obstacles in their lives.  These buffer traits include:  courage, optimism, interpersonal skills, work ethic, hope, honesty, responsibility, and perseverance.  During Dr. Seligmans studies, he also identified several buffering traits that protect people against stress and adversity, which would later be developed into a framework by Dr. Salvatori Maddi known as “hardiness.”            Psychological hardiness refers to a persons ability to stand in defiance to challenges, and bounce back from failure.  People with psychological hardiness have a valued sense of commitment to life and work.  They are also engaged in circumstances going on around them, and see challenges as a way to grow, rather than a danger to be avoided.  Psychological Hardy people also hang when the going gets tough, and believe that “where the is a will, there is a way.”  If a person has a stress hardy personality, they deal with stress without allowing it to cause an even greater problem by learning to control how they react to the problems in a more flexible, confident, and less destructive way.  The way a psychological hardy person deals with stress is known as “the 3 C’s,” which are challenge, control, and commitment.

            The first C “challenge,” deals with how a person perceives events that occur in their lives.  Psychological hardy individuals see problems as challenges, rather than threats.  This means that these people will learn, grow, and develop rather than retreat from their problems.  They welcome new situations as opportunities while getting busy to find solutions.  In most situations, they will exceed expectations in performance, leadership, and health enhancing thoughts and behaviors, while looking at life with a “give it your best shot” attitude. 

            The second C in psychological hardiness is “control.”  There are two distinct types of control, Internal Locus control and External Locus control.  Individuals who rate high on the psychological hardiness scale have Internal Locus of Control, meaning that they perceive themselves as “in charge,” and “responsible” for the outcomes of their lives, feel in control of their destiny and direction in life, and have a strong sense of self-efficacy.  They also understand that by intentionally developing and holding onto a positive, optimistic, hopeful outlook, they can determine their reaction to any predicament they may face, and feel confident to go into action.  People who rank low on the psychological hardiness scale have External Locus of Control, and tend to believe that they have little or no control over what happens to them which leads to a sense of helplessness and passivity.  They tend to feel powerless, and be “blamers,” and “complainers” while believing that what happens to them is due to fate or destiny, and they have no influence over it.  In the end, people with Internal Locus of Control end up being more successful because they have a realistic attitude, and focus on changing the things they can and accepting the things they cannot. 

            The third C in psychological hardiness is “commitment.”  People who are high on commitment are fully engaged in what they are doing despite stressful changes that may be taking place which helps them to feel important, and that their actions are worthwhile.  When a person is committed to family, work, community, friends, religion, and themselves, it gives their lives meaning and they have a sense of purpose.  When a person is committed to a goal, they tend to be more motivated and put in more effort which helps them to overcome occasional losses and remain steadfast in their efforts.  They give activities their best, not their perfect, effort and have curiosity in what they are doing instead of feeling detached and isolated. 

            As a person engages in the daily practice of hardiness, they may be surprised to find that they are not only surviving, but that they are also thriving on adversity.  Once the person sees themselves thriving, they are able to function even stronger, better, and more joyfully than they did before the stress/hardship that they had previously encountered.  An IBT study actually showed that psychological hardiness will enhance an individuals performance, leadership, stamina, conduct, mood, and mental/physical health due to the fact that these persons gain courage and capability to turn adversity into advantage. 

            I believe that I have gained psychological hardiness over the years.  I go into every new experience with a positive, “I can do it” attitude, but I also accept the fact that I may fail, maybe even a few times.  I also know that with each failed attempt, I will gain a lesson learned.  This helps me to maintain the outlook that I will do much better the next time, if not succeed.  With each new goal that I set for myself, I know and accept the fact that there is a great chance that I may fail, in some sort of sense or standard.  I use these failed experiences  to build, and construct new ways of doing things, which thus in turn, leads to my mind searching for creative and maybe original solutions.  With each step I take, I obtain and evaluate both positive and negative aspects, go with the flow, and attempt to grow from them.  Experience, both good and bad, is a positive thing for me, as I am able to use them for advice, both for myself and others.  Self-gratification comes from knowing although I may have made some bad choices, maybe I can save others from doing the same. 

            As I speak from my heart and mind, without shame, I know that my possibly embarrassing/shameful acts of the past will do more good than bad by me using them to help direct others.  By caring for the futures of others, while being true to myself, I accept and admit “not so proud” personal experiences with the passion to serve others.  As I help a person deal with personal conflicts, they begin to grow, and I grow with them.  I am no longer just one individual or voice.  I allow my mind, heart, and soul to connect with them as I help them, through my own story, reflections, and education.  Then together we band in unity, a force much greater than one.  We become one another’s rock, there to support and encourage one another.  Through the newfound compassion for one another, our strength grows, and we are able to pass along the torch of understanding, sympathy, hope, and love to each person we encounter. 

            I believe that God put me on this Earth for a reason.  Maybe he knew that I had the strength and will to overcome the many obstacles he placed in my life.  Maybe he placed them there because he wanted me to use my knowledge to help others who are less resilient.  At one point in my life, I did not understand why so many bad experiences/traumas, had to happen to me.  Now I am thankful for even the most horrific events that occurred in With each mountain that I had to climb, my strength and courage climbed with it.  Now, not only am I becoming professionally educated on how to deal with the many types of persons, victims, moods, behaviors, traumas, circumstances, and standards, I also have my life’s many experiences to go with it.  Knowledge not only comes from what we are taught, what we read in books, what we see around us, or what we see on television.  KNOWLEDGE IS LIVING IT!  Thankfully, I had my family.  They were my “rock.”  They were the foundation that kept me grounded in times of turbulence, so that I was able to stand against the storm in order to withstand the test of time.  Now I will use what I have learned.  I will be the foundation for others, or the loving family they may not have to support them in their times of need.  I will never give up hope that we all have what it takes, and I will bestow my courage onto others!